My life has always been smooth sailing, although I wouldn’t say its perfect, but I never had to undergo massive experiences that could threaten to bring me down or turn my life around. Although I was not originally born into a Christian family, my family and I were brought to Bethany since I was three, and ever since, Bethany has been part of my growing up. I never feared that I would mix with the wrong company, and my friends were majority Christians, just like I was, and even those who weren’t Christians were nice and never made me question my faith. At home, while I may be the only girl, I never felt very alone. Even without being close to my brothers, I received much love from my parents, and my mother become the person whom I turned to every time I needed a listening ear, or someone whom could help me relieve my boredom. When I faced minor setbacks, be it friendship problems or academic results, I got up pretty quickly. I would tell myself that these problems came about because people weren’t prefect, we all made mistakes; and academic results, well, school was not everything in life. I got all that I asked for, and never felt that I needed anything more in my life. You could say, I led a very sheltered and pampered life. I never saw the need to pray for anything, and only went to the Lord in time of exams, out of habit.

Church became a routine as I grew. I remembered the time where I went to church because I wanted to meet up with friends there, and because I knew my teachers in church was expecting me to turn up. I was not really interested in what I learnt and waking up early on Sunday mornings gradually became burdensome, especially when my workload became heavier and heavier as O levels drew nearer and nearer. A few months before the O levels, and even before my prelims, I stopped going to church altogether. I came up with excuses that I was tired, or sick, and I felt that church was a waste of time when I was going there to listen to things that I was not exactly interested in. However deep down inside, I knew that whatever I was doing was wrong, I knew that I needed to go back to church. That was probably the Holy Spirit working in me, trying to turn me back to my faith. But time and time again, I ignored that voice within me, justifying my actions and I told myself I had time for God after my exams. Yet after the O levels, I still did not return to church, I told myself I needed time to rest after months of studying and continued to stay away from church.

So when Youth Conference drew near, I had ran out of excuses to not turn up, so I signed up. I still remember that Sunday, just moments before I left for church, and I was talking to my mother. I told her my worries, my unwillingness to go for Youth Conference. I was not ready to leave my computer, my bed and all those material comforts I possessed at home, just to go for conference. But I still went.

5th December 2010. I recalled the first evening message that Pastor preached that night, he showed us how Peter had failed Jesus and wanted to quit and leave and yet Jesus still took him back. That night, I saw Peter in my own life, how I felt that I could not compare to all those in church who had so much a stronger faith then I ever had. During vespers, Michelle shared how the people of Israel had failed God even with His reminders not to, and how God, in all His graciousness, told them to seek Him when they have failed, and He would not forsake them. Pastor shared that without love, there is no impetus to develop our faith. That night, I recognized that if I was still willing, even if in me, there was just a tiny spark of love for Him, He would still take me back and restore my relationship with Him.

That night, I made a prayer to God, and thanked Him for this chance I had to be away from the distractions I had outside, and to study His Word, to find my faith again. I realized that throughout the year, even when I was permanently absent from church, He had never let me go, and through the Holy Spirit, I had not forgotten completely of my faith and He was constantly reminding me to return. I prayed that I could focus on the messages each day, and sought His hand in helping me to understand each message, pleading with Him to let me be impacted by the messages so that I could understand what it meant to be a good and worthy Christian, and let my heart be touched.

I reflected back at the past conferences that i had been, how consecration had also been a spur of the moment impulse, one without much consideration on my part. I wanted this year to be different. Thursday afternoon, as I reflected over all the lessons I had learnt during evening devotions and bible study, I realized that I had indeed been touched by each lesson I had gone through and while I did a recap of each lesson, I saw that indeed, He was there all the while and had really helped me to understand the many lessons that we had and learnt about.

“Behold, what manner of Love the Father has bestowed on us, that we should be called Children of God” 1 John 3:1

God knew that we would fail, yet when we have realized our sins and know that we had failed, we can ask for forgiveness and return to the road of Salvation, He would take us back and forget our sins and still be His children because of the love He had for us.

“But God demonstrates His own love towards us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8

As I thought about how because of this love he had for us, while we were still sinners, He sent His only Son, to die on the cross for us; and I was deeply moved. I remembered thinking, I would not even give up my dog to save any of my friends, let alone people who did not even love me and did me wrong. Because of that, God’s love became more apparent to me.

Thursday night, I made such a prayer. I knew that the path to Salvation and the restoration process with the Lord is not going to be easy, but I determined to continue struggling with the weakness in my life, to overcome my lack of spiritual discipline, to have the right attitudes towards my faith and always seeking His hand in helping me to understand and apply the lessons that I had and will learn. I determined to follow Him, to grab the second chance I had, I wanted to make my life count for Him, I wanted to walk worthy of Him sending Jesus to die, for me.

“..nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which in Christ Jesus, our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

Being thrown back into the world of distractions I am so familiar with, I know all the more that the journey will require much time, effort and prayer, but I know that I am not alone, because He had promised His love, and His presence. As I seek to set aside time each day to reflect and spend time with the Lord in prayer and quiet time and to let Him be my center, my priority, I know that He would be with me, every step of the way.

& as i look back, i really thank all my friends and teachers who also because of His Love, never gave up on me and continued to encourage me to return.

i'm glad i went for camp!

mmhrm, this is close to 1400words, i wonder if anyone is going to read it, but me! Hahah! :D